Road to Love

I was writing a lot more when I was still new to New York, because everything was a new experience and adventure.  Through lots of trial and tribulation, I finally found some stability and grounding here, so I'm now able to work on myself and goals from a more focused, anchored place.  While I'm not one to write confessionals on the subject of sex/dating/love, it has been (and continues to be) one of biggest challenges I've faced.  Ever the optimistic student of life, I've tried to take the lesson from each positive and seemingly negative encounter, but I will tell you this.   I'm tired.  I think a lot of people are.


This city seems to breed a lot of protection walls, and a good shield is an essential tool, but I'm noticing that, when neither person lets his guard down, nothing gets accomplished and things remain on that level.  It's a self-feeding loop of getting hurt, putting up the defenses, releasing expectations, giving someone else a shot, wasting time and money on yet another asshole, getting hurt again but becoming more hardened and less affected by it, until everyone is just running around out there not affected by anyone else.  Not needing any kind of human intimacy because you can order up a different flavor every night of the week if you want.  And with websites and apps, you don't even have to leave your house!  Free delivery!


I've been in a giant lab experiment for the past year and a half, and although I've started to feel like a lab rat, I've learned volumes from my research.  I have no regrets, and I've explored aspects of myself that I needed to in order to grow in confidence.  I'm not a saint, but I also no longer consider myself a "hopeless" romantic.  More of a romantic realist at this point.  I'm very aware of how to have no expectations and just have fun, but for someone like me who really does love love, there always is that little spark of hope in the background, that maybe this guy could be someone I could connect with, and get off the hamster wheel and out of the cage.  And I think there are others out there who feel the same way, but they too are caught up on the wheel and don't know how to stop it.

I've invited a lot of active, constructive fire energy into my life recently, and I'm noticing a huge difference already.  I've been aligning my mind, body and spirit through yoga, exercise and spiritual studies.  There's also a big dose of adventure in store for this year.  As frustrated as I may get about this whole dating debacle, it pales in comparison to the self-love I've been experiencing.  Like Bjork said, all is full of love.  Family, friends, myself...my heart is full and I am grateful for my blessings.  The longing and loneliness comes and goes, and I know I'm a better man for staying true to myself.  I've learned to truly enjoy my own company, and I'm actually making a solo pilgrimage in September to hike the Inca Trail to Macchu Picchu.  I honestly believe the idea of people coming into your life for a reason, and I know when the time is right, someone will appear to climb mountains and discover new shores with me.  Until then, chin up babe.  There's work to be done.